An open letter to Katie Couric – re: Royal Family Interview

Dear Ms. Couric,

Your interview with Britain’s royal family airs on ABC in just a couple of weeks, so I’d like to to take this moment to ensure that you were asking only the most important questions to the world’s beloved William and Harry.

Firstly, did you make them (and by “them,” I mean the single one Harry) aware that I am available to fill any open princess position? I enjoy cleaning, wearing designer gowns, standing there and looking pretty, and have been known to sing with forest animals on occasion. But I forwarded you a copy of my complete resume ahead of time, I’m sure you passed it along.

Next, did you ask how Kate Middleton has been lately? I’m sure she’s still dealing with the pressures of having joined a very public royal family, so I hope you let her know that I’m here if ever she needs someone to confide in. My thorough readings of The Princess Diaries series as well as the 25+ times I’ve watched The Princess Diaries movie have fully prepared me to discuss the life and times of a modern royal woman, princess to princess.

Finally, I hope you asked how they plan on dealing with the nonexistent public outcry that their family is not nearly diverse enough and thus has been deemed unrelatable by the common people? Naturally, you suggested that I join the family, of course, I just wanted to make sure that you were able to fit your comment in between asking about Her Majesty’s Facebook page and prying details about my forthcoming engagement ring from Harry. I also hope that you mentioned how my addition to the royal lineage would only benefit future generations, as I would help eliminate those pesky genetic disorders that seem to occur whenever you only marry your royal cousins.

Anyway, K-T, I was just checking in. I’m sure you got this all covered.

Can’t wait to see the interview!

Linda

An open letter to Jessica Simpson – re: Baby!

Dear Jess,

Maxwell is a boy’s name. That’s all.

Sincerely,

Linda.

PS – Who is Eric Johnson?

PPS – Sorry for being so snarky, girl. Love your shoes!

An open letter to Jamie Waylett – re: Really, man?

My dear Jamie,

I actually don’t know you that well, but since you’re British I felt the need to address this letter rather formerly.

Seriously though, you need to get your life in order. First caught for growing marijuana, now sentenced to jail for partaking in the London riots? I realize that many other people are getting in trouble for these things too…but you’re not just any other person.

YOU’RE VINCENT CRABBE FROM HARRY POTTER.

You’re famous (well, kinda.) Why are you committing these petty crimes? No, I retract that question. You’re famous. Why are you getting caught for these petty crimes?

And don’t give me any of that method acting bull. You can try all you want to live up to Crabbe, but you’re no Christian Bale as the machinist, that’s all I gotta say.

Very truly yours with only the best regard,

Linda

An open letter to Jason Derulo – re: Your lyrics, they is wack.

Dear Jay-sonn DeROOlo (yyyeah, J-J-J-JR!),

I only have one thing to say to you: “Much more than a Grammy award, that’s how much you mean to me.”

Wow. I’m just…just so flattered. I think.

“You could be my it girl, baby you the shit girl.”

Um. Thanks?

“I don’t want you to leave me, though you caught me cheating…when the roof caved in and the truth came out, I just didn’t know what to do, but when I become a star, we’ll be living so large, I’d do anything for you.”

Oh, okay, Jason. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were on your way to becoming rich and famous. I can definitely look past the fact that you slept around while I’m here trying to support your broke ass, definitely, because one day, you’ll have money.

I hope you realize from the above responses that I am a strong-willed, logical, and intelligent woman. Because of this, I feel as though it’s my duty not to like your music.

SO WHY CAN’T I STOP LISTENING TO IT?!

Begrudgingly a fan,

Linda

 

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift – re: Girl, you gotta date Zac Efron

Hay girl,

Listen. It’s time to get real. You’re my best friend, right? And because you’re my best friend, I only want the best for you.

And the best thing for you, right now, at this moment, is named Zac Efron.

Look at the two of you on Ellen:

Girl, I was so excited for you I broke out in hives. Seriously though. Your love with him is so real, it gave me a rash.

He’s talented and beautiful, you’re talented and beautiful, what more could you want? The chemistry between the two of you is undeniable. I really think he could be the one you’d never have to write a break-up song for.

Maybe this is looking too far ahead, but I just have this feeling that your power couple-ness could unite all of us. End wars. Stop hatred. Your love could be our drug, the new opium of the people. Just think about how important that is. Think about the children, Taylor!

Or at the very least, think about recording a duet album with him. I’d buy that shit.

Call me and we’ll talk more,

Linda

PS – And if you really don’t wanna date him, go ahead and give him my number. HAY ZEFRON HAY!

 

An open letter to Blue Ivy Carter – re: Your Unfortunate Exploitation

Hey girl,

I realize that you haven’t yet gained the ability to read and therefore this letter will mean nothing to you for a while, but I feel that its contents must be expressed now.

Do you understand what your parents have done to you? You’ve become the newest, freshest, most-definitely-carried-by-a-surrogate product on the block.

Why did they need to trademark you name? I understand the want for your name to be unique and different, but I think you’re gonna be getting enough media attention that no one would/could name their child Blue Ivy under pure coincidence.

And I hate that you’re breaking Billboard records by being “featured” on your dad’s track, Glory. You made noises. That doesn’t count. Are we gonna start crediting the frying pan in Imogen Heap’s song as a featured artist? The first inanimate object to chart on Billboard! What absurdity.

Maybe this letter would have been better addressed to your parents. To them, all I have to say is: Your child is NOT a PRODUCT. STOP the EXPLOITATION.

With all the best intention for your future,

Linda

More letters coming soon!

Sorry all, the post has been slow lately. More letters are on their way!

An open letter to Nicki Minaj – re: Stupid Hoe video

Dear Nicki Minaj,

We’re in a fight.

I’ve defended you before (Alter Egotistical, 9/23/11) because I honestly do think you’re great. I’m glad there’s a strong female figure in the rap game once again; I’m really not a hater. Which is why we’re in a fight.

Nicki — “You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe” does not a chorus make.

Nicki — Yes, your alter egos are cool but you gotta stop being in our face about it. “My name is Roman, last name Zolanski, but no relation to Roman Polanski” isn’t even a good line. Also, ending the entire song with an abrupt “I am the female Weezy”? I don’t get it.

Nicki — The crazy big eye thing has been done, by Gaga in Bad Romance, and I hate being the one to do this, but Gaga honestly did it better. Hers were a symbol of her innocence before getting involved in a “bad romance.” Yours are…weird. And, if you’re using them to call Lady Gaga a stupid hoe, you’d best stop. I love you, but I worship Gaga. (However, if you’re making fun of Shakira with the leopard in the cage and/or Katy Perry with the candy, I won’t stop you.)

Nicki — If you want the rumors about your fake-ass fake ass to stop, then you have to stop flaunting it in ways that make it look more fake-ass than ever.

I’d go on, but the 84,799 dislikes on your video probably speak for themselves.

Don’t talk to me until you’ve figured yourself out, please.

Your once friend, now frenemy,

Linda

An open letter to Adele – re: Overexposure

Dear Adele,

Look, I know you’ve got a voice and think you’re hot shit and everything, but please. Can you just shut up for, like, 5 minutes? I would just like to live one day of my life without you in it.

And I swear to god, if I hear that f***ing song one more time (aka if I get that f***ing song stuck in my head one more time) I’ll definitely be setting fire to something, trust me.

It might be your face.

With all due respect,

Linda

An open letter to Paula Deen – re: Type II Diabetes

Hey Paula,

Don’t let the haters get you down. Keep on doing what you do best – creating the most perfect and delicious mixtures of butter, sugar, and lard.

Got a little type II diabetes? Nothing some deep-fried stuffing on a stick can’t fix!

Taaaasty.

Then again, as a fellow butter-lover with 32 sweet teeth (but I got my wisdom teeth out…so 28?), I’ll probably develop type II diabetes within a few years as well and keel over of a heart attack at age 30, so what do I know?

In complete and utter seriousness,

Linda