Real Pop Talk

Open letters from a girly pop culture junkie

An open letter to Jay and Beyonce – re: Blue Ivy Carter…really?

Ohhay Jay and Bey,

Congratulations on your power infant mogul baby bundle of joy. Honestly, I’m happy for you.

But as it’s my job to think critically about pop culture, I must ask. Blue Ivy? I guess it’s pretty, but I need some reassurance.

Tell me, please tell me, that her name isn’t Blue as a reference to Jay-Z’s “Blueprint” album series. And please tell me that her middle name isn’t Ivy like “IV” like “4” like Beyonce’s album “4” like your matching “IV” tattoos.

You may have successfully exploited your pregnancy for publicity, Beyonce, but please tell me you wanted your child’s name to have more significance than a reminder of your own personal achievements.

This might be worse than Coco. You know. COurteney COx’s baby.

I’ll be anticipating your timely reply,

Linda

An open letter to Christopher Nolan – re: The Dark Knight Rises trailer

Dear Mr. Nolan,

THANK YOU FOR THIS INCEPTION PART 2 DARK KNIGHT RISES TRAILER.

HERE ARE THE THINGS I AM MOST EXCITED ABOUT:

(I suppose I’ll stop yelling now, but believe me, this is with great restraint:)

1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Lookin’ so fly.

2. Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. I honestly didn’t believe she could pull it off, but when she finished hissing “and leave so little for the rest of ussss” into Christian Bale’s ear, I got chills and I was sold. Way to go, Princess Mia!

3. The conclusion of the best Batman trilogy ever, in what looks to be a potentially very dark manner. (Speaking of trilogies, the trailer for Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit was also released recently. Would you ever consider collaborating with Mr. Jackson, Mr. Nolan? I understand, however, if you’re too concerned about brains literally exploding as a result though.)

4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Lookin. So. Fly.

5. Tom Hardy as Bane. Yeah, yeah, I know people have been complaining about him being incomprehensible, but he looks terrifying as all hell and the shot of the blown up football field is something I might have nightmares about. I’m glad they decided not to replace Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace) as the Joker, but I’m even more glad that the new villain is equally as disturbing.

6. Marion Cotillard. Do I know who she’s playing? No. Is she wonderful to the point where it doesn’t matter? Yes.

7. Fatherly love from Michael Caine to Christian Bale. Alfred’s monologue at the beginning…tragic.

8. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT. LOOKIN’ SO FLYAAWROUGGAG toooo much to handleeee!!!

Ahem. To reiterate, Mr. Nolan, I just want to express my delight at your latest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises and thank you for creating such a marvelous film trilogy.

I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOUR MOOOVIEEE!!!

With great and dignified respect,

Linda

An open letter to Jonathan Lipnicki, re: Jerry to Jiu Jitsu

Dear itty bitty Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire and the Stuart Little movies,

 

Uhhh…wut.

In shock,

Linda

 

An open letter to Jane Lynch, re: Barnes & Noble Commercial

Dear Sue Sylvester Jane Lynch,

Sorry for mistaking you for Sue. I don’t know…maybe if you ever played any other type of character / stopped being Sue in everything you’re doing lately, I wouldn’t have made that error.

Seriously though. Jane Lynch, you are, as this guy on Youtube might say, overexposed.

It’s not that I’m surprised. I mean, overexposure is Ryan Murphy’s like one tactic in life. He’s like that kid at school with the new toy, “Hey! Hey! Did you see this? This is GLEE. This is my show. This is my cast. Watch it. Buy it. Own it. Love it. See them live!”

Eff Ryan Murphy. But this isn’t a letter to Ryan Murphy.

Jane, you have to be better than this. I understand that you’re making a lot of money off of being Sue all the time. Yeah, we did really love her on Glee, so again, the idea makes sense. Viewers respond well to seeing your face/tracksuit. But I know I can’t be the only one who’s kind of sick of you always being in our faces. Even that snark is getting old.

I suggest that you ask Mr. Murphy if you could actually develop your character next season. Though I suppose inconsistencies have become Glee’s bread and butter now.

With disappointment from a jaded fan,

Linda

An open letter to Lady Gaga – re: “Marry the Night” Video

To my dearest Mother Monster,

You’ve done it again. I’m still thinking about the Marry the Night video – 4 days after its release.

Of course, I love every video you’ve put out, but for different reasons. I love “Judas” because it’s blasphemous yet makes perfect sense. I love “Yoü and I” because you show off your alter egos (especially Jo Calderone. I really like Jo Calderone.) I love “Alejandro” because it’s so fucking weird, you still haven’t explained it, and I don’t think you plan on doing so.

I love “Marry the Night” because I find the opening monologue legitimately interesting.

“When I look back on my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened, it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way. And, truthfully, the lie of it all is much more honest because I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics — they can be lost forever. It’s sort of like my past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting, I must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. It’s not that I’ve been dishonest; it’s just that I loathe reality.”

Coming back from a semester abroad in Spain, where the reconstruction of historic memory was thoroughly discussed in all of my classes, I find this absolutely fascinating. If memories can be lost forever, and we allow them to be lost forever, what is there to stop us from rebuilding them? Specifically, what is there to stop us from rebuilding them as creatively as want to? By that point, we might as well take ownership of those memories and reconstruct them in a way that we find pleasing, whether emotionally or aesthetically. And once we do, the natural instinct is to demonstrate what we have built, to show off our art to others in the hopes that it will touch them – essentially being honest in our dishonesty.

It’s not that I’ve been dishonest; it’s just that I think Lady Gaga is a genius.

I hope I understood the message, Gaga! Can we hang out sometime?

Reverently,

Linda

An open letter to J.C. Chasez – re: second solo album?!

Dearest J.C.,

I realize you must be very busy being the bitchiest judge on America’s Best Dance Crew, but I can’t keep quiet about this any longer.

You were always my favorite member of NSYNC, because you had a great voice and your hair was less stupid than this kid’s. When the band broke up, I was devastated. Now, I’ve read Lance Bass’s aptly titled autobiography, so I know that the break-up wasn’t (completely) your fault. Thus, I don’t blame you for trying out your solo career. Did I buy your 2004 solo debut album, “Schizophrenic?” No, I did not. But I didn’t buy Justin Timberlake’s “Justified” either.

I defended you against all of those people who said that Justin’s solo album was way better than yours. Trust me, it was extremely difficult, because I just can’t jam to “Some Girls Dance With Women” the way I can to “Rock Your Body.” Yet I stayed loyal and true.

Then Justin released “FutureSex LoveSounds.” I mean…have YOU heard the album? It’s fantastic! I shelled out the money for that one, I have to admit. But I never stopped being your #1 fan. I would always argue, “Yeah, okay, Justin brought sexy back, whatever. You wait until J.C. releases HIS second album. It will blow your mind!”

So, J.C. WHERE THE EFF IS YOUR SECOND ALBUM? I’ve been waiting for this one since 2007! I don’t know how much longer I can argue with people and maintain my credibility if you keep sitting on this seemingly forsaken project. Please, from a true fan, and for all that is good in this world, RELEASE THE GODDAMN ALBUM ALREADY.

Yeesh.

Frustratedly yours,

Linda

An open letter to Ke$ha – re: SAT Scores

Dear Ke$ha,

I have heard whispers in the past about your SAT scores…namely, that they were close to perfect. You also admitted to NPR that you were “very studious” in high school, that you enjoyed physics and math, and that you would drive to Belmont College in Nashville after school to sit in on history lectures simply because you were interested.

Aaand now you’re interested in brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels and getting boys to “show you where their dick’s at?”

I’m officially calling you out, right here, right now. You can’t possibly be as intelligent as you say and make the kind of music you do. It’s gotta be one or the other. I know that your mom was a singer-songwriter, I know that you were always into music [see video below] but I just can’t help feeling like this whole glittery hot mess thing was one big social experiment and that the joke’s most definitely on us.

Look, you’ve proved your point. Today’s consumers will gladly buy anything that mentions alcohol and dancing, no matter how obvious it is that no thought was put into it, no matter how overproduced and autotuned it might be, no matter how meaningless the lyrics really are, ha ha ha, aren’t we all so stupid?

You’ve gotten your number one album off of our ridiculousness. I’m asking you now to either call it quits and cash out with your millions, or start making the kind of music you actually want to make. Either way, please stop making fun of us.

Indignantly,

Linda

An open letter to Bradley Cooper – re: Sexiest Man Alive title

Dear Mr. Cooper,

First of all, let me just say congratulations on being named People’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2011. You are joining an incredibly handsome club of men and do you deserve it? Absolutely.

Just not this year.

Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m honestly a huge fan. You made the A-Team movie bearable for me, and I’ll admit that watching videos of you speaking French, (arguably the most romantic language in the world,) generally brightens my day.

However, don’t you think there might have been one man who deserved to win this year just a little more than you did? A man who is equally as good-looking, but perhaps made some better movies this year than Limitless and The Hangover Part II? A man who inspired not only a wildly successful meme, but also a wildly successful spin-off meme?

I’m speaking, of course, of Ryan Gosling. Clearly, I’ve thought very highly of him ever since The Notebook, but you can’t deny he’s had an exceptional year. This year, he’s been in a number of critically acclaimed movies, including Blue Valentine, Drive, and Crazy, Stupid, Love. Personally, I might find The Ides of March boring, but that’s not really Ryan’s fault and other people seem to be enjoying it.

Again, I’m not at all questioning your attractiveness. I just think that maybe, this year, you should have had the little box on the cover and given Ryan his deserved spotlight.

I suppose this could have happened for a number of reasons…among them, perhaps, that they didn’t want to give the title to two “Ryans” in a row (if you recall, Ryan Reynolds won last year.) Anyway, Mr. Cooper, I know that you and Ryan are co-starring in the upcoming The Place Beyond the Pines. Hopefully there are no hard feelings…but I think we all know Ryan was robbed.

Respectfully yours,

Linda

 

An open letter to an inanimate object – #1

Dear Automatic Flush Toilet in the first stall of the bathroom in my workplace,

If you flush before I’m ready one more time, I swear to god I will bring a hammer to work and smash you into so many pieces, they’ll have to carry what’s left of you out in a dustpan.

Sincerely,

Linda

An open letter to Brad Pitt – Re: Retirement Plans

Dear Mr. Pitt,

It has recently come to my attention that you plan on retiring from acting at age 50 in order to focus on more behind-the-camera work.

My question is this. Do you realize that you’ll be 50 in two years?! That’s just much too soon!

You were my very first celebrity obsession. I was 14. I watched “Legends of the Fall” for extra credit in History. And I became hooked on your character, Tristan.

Simply irresistable.

I’ve been in love with you ever since. (If our 27 year age gap doesn’t matter to you, then it doesn’t matter to me. Also, I think your children are beautiful and I’d gladly raise them with you.)

But this is about more than just me. This is about America. You’re an American icon, you can’t just disappear from our movie screens. I realize you’re getting older, but let’s face it, you’re aging really damn well. You could totally be Robert Redford’s secret love child. Please let us gaze upon you for a little while longer.

Did you know that I made myself a list of every movie you’ve ever made? I’m six films away from seeing them all. Thing is, I don’t want you to let me catch up. I don’t want to finish the list.

In closing, I beg you to reconsider. Don’t leave us like this, Brad.

Forever yours,

Linda

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