Remember back in 2005, when Paris Hilton got engaged to that Greek guy who looked a little bit like Enrique Iglesias and was worth several billion dollars? I knew it was doomed from the start. Not because they were both spoiled socialites, but because they were both named Paris.
- Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis
Indeed, that engagement lasted all of five months and didn’t end with nuptials. Now I understand that people in a relationship look for things they have in common in order to make deeper connections. But dating someone who shares your name is just strange. Doesn’t doing so automatically imply a little more self-interest than is necessarily considered acceptable? And we all know it’s hard for people who love themselves to love other people.
Then again, I suppose self-involvement from people who have trust funds the size of Antarctica isn’t that far-fetched. But let’s take a look at another example. After Taylor Swift was interrupted by Kanye West at the 2009 MTV VMAs–and no, I will not be making a “Imma let you finish” joke…you’re welcome–she seemed to take solace in the arms of my favorite Michigan boy, Taylor Lautner.
- Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, but this was doomed from the start because Taylor Swift is a crazy girlfriend. She always exploits her relationships and turns them into songs and tells everybody her business.” To be fair though, if you had the opportunity to publicly humiliate every ex you ever had, wouldn’t you? Anyway, while I was personally a big fan of Tay Squared, this relationship ended after mere months as well. I’ve tried many times to think of reasons why: Maybe Taylor L. was just Taylor S.’s rebound from her high-profile break up with Joe Jonas. Maybe the two were just at hectic points in their budding careers. Or maybe, like I’ve come to accept, it was just the simple fact that they were both Taylors…another relationship claimed by the merciless consequences of same-name dating.
Finally, let’s talk about Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. This is a different example, because it involves last names instead of first names, and while they are pronounced the same, they are technically from different languages.
- Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
Though this might have been enough to keep their relationship alive for three years instead of three months, there’s still no way it would have worked. Imagine if they had gotten married. Was she going to change her name to Penelope Cruz-Cruise? That’s spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E, isn’t it?
We may never know exactly what it is about same-name dating that just doesn’t work. Is it astronomical? Is it psychological? Is it just the raw weirdness? There is one thing I do know for sure: I will live in perpetual fear of falling in love with a man named Linda.