Real Pop Talk

Open letters from a girly pop culture junkie

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

An open letter to Nicki Minaj – re: Stupid Hoe video

Dear Nicki Minaj,

We’re in a fight.

I’ve defended you before (Alter Egotistical, 9/23/11) because I honestly do think you’re great. I’m glad there’s a strong female figure in the rap game once again; I’m really not a hater. Which is why we’re in a fight.

Nicki — “You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe” does not a chorus make.

Nicki — Yes, your alter egos are cool but you gotta stop being in our face about it. “My name is Roman, last name Zolanski, but no relation to Roman Polanski” isn’t even a good line. Also, ending the entire song with an abrupt “I am the female Weezy”? I don’t get it.

Nicki — The crazy big eye thing has been done, by Gaga in Bad Romance, and I hate being the one to do this, but Gaga honestly did it better. Hers were a symbol of her innocence before getting involved in a “bad romance.” Yours are…weird. And, if you’re using them to call Lady Gaga a stupid hoe, you’d best stop. I love you, but I worship Gaga. (However, if you’re making fun of Shakira with the leopard in the cage and/or Katy Perry with the candy, I won’t stop you.)

Nicki — If you want the rumors about your fake-ass fake ass to stop, then you have to stop flaunting it in ways that make it look more fake-ass than ever.

I’d go on, but the 84,799 dislikes on your video probably speak for themselves.

Don’t talk to me until you’ve figured yourself out, please.

Your once friend, now frenemy,

Linda

An open letter to Adele – re: Overexposure

Dear Adele,

Look, I know you’ve got a voice and think you’re hot shit and everything, but please. Can you just shut up for, like, 5 minutes? I would just like to live one day of my life without you in it.

And I swear to god, if I hear that f***ing song one more time (aka if I get that f***ing song stuck in my head one more time) I’ll definitely be setting fire to something, trust me.

It might be your face.

With all due respect,

Linda

An open letter to Paula Deen – re: Type II Diabetes

Hey Paula,

Don’t let the haters get you down. Keep on doing what you do best – creating the most perfect and delicious mixtures of butter, sugar, and lard.

Got a little type II diabetes? Nothing some deep-fried stuffing on a stick can’t fix!

Taaaasty.

Then again, as a fellow butter-lover with 32 sweet teeth (but I got my wisdom teeth out…so 28?), I’ll probably develop type II diabetes within a few years as well and keel over of a heart attack at age 30, so what do I know?

In complete and utter seriousness,

Linda

An open letter to Jay and Beyonce – re: Blue Ivy Carter…really?

Ohhay Jay and Bey,

Congratulations on your power infant mogul baby bundle of joy. Honestly, I’m happy for you.

But as it’s my job to think critically about pop culture, I must ask. Blue Ivy? I guess it’s pretty, but I need some reassurance.

Tell me, please tell me, that her name isn’t Blue as a reference to Jay-Z’s “Blueprint” album series. And please tell me that her middle name isn’t Ivy like “IV” like “4” like Beyonce’s album “4” like your matching “IV” tattoos.

You may have successfully exploited your pregnancy for publicity, Beyonce, but please tell me you wanted your child’s name to have more significance than a reminder of your own personal achievements.

This might be worse than Coco. You know. COurteney COx’s baby.

I’ll be anticipating your timely reply,

Linda

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