Real Pop Talk

Open letters from a girly pop culture junkie

Archive for the month “November, 2011”

An open letter to Ke$ha – re: SAT Scores

Dear Ke$ha,

I have heard whispers in the past about your SAT scores…namely, that they were close to perfect. You also admitted to NPR that you were “very studious” in high school, that you enjoyed physics and math, and that you would drive to Belmont College in Nashville after school to sit in on history lectures simply because you were interested.

Aaand now you’re interested in brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels and getting boys to “show you where their dick’s at?”

I’m officially calling you out, right here, right now. You can’t possibly be as intelligent as you say and make the kind of music you do. It’s gotta be one or the other. I know that your mom was a singer-songwriter, I know that you were always into music [see video below] but I just can’t help feeling like this whole glittery hot mess thing was one big social experiment and that the joke’s most definitely on us.

Look, you’ve proved your point. Today’s consumers will gladly buy anything that mentions alcohol and dancing, no matter how obvious it is that no thought was put into it, no matter how overproduced and autotuned it might be, no matter how meaningless the lyrics really are, ha ha ha, aren’t we all so stupid?

You’ve gotten your number one album off of our ridiculousness. I’m asking you now to either call it quits and cash out with your millions, or start making the kind of music you actually want to make. Either way, please stop making fun of us.

Indignantly,

Linda

An open letter to Bradley Cooper – re: Sexiest Man Alive title

Dear Mr. Cooper,

First of all, let me just say congratulations on being named People’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2011. You are joining an incredibly handsome club of men and do you deserve it? Absolutely.

Just not this year.

Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m honestly a huge fan. You made the A-Team movie bearable for me, and I’ll admit that watching videos of you speaking French, (arguably the most romantic language in the world,) generally brightens my day.

However, don’t you think there might have been one man who deserved to win this year just a little more than you did? A man who is equally as good-looking, but perhaps made some better movies this year than Limitless and The Hangover Part II? A man who inspired not only a wildly successful meme, but also a wildly successful spin-off meme?

I’m speaking, of course, of Ryan Gosling. Clearly, I’ve thought very highly of him ever since The Notebook, but you can’t deny he’s had an exceptional year. This year, he’s been in a number of critically acclaimed movies, including Blue Valentine, Drive, and Crazy, Stupid, Love. Personally, I might find The Ides of March boring, but that’s not really Ryan’s fault and other people seem to be enjoying it.

Again, I’m not at all questioning your attractiveness. I just think that maybe, this year, you should have had the little box on the cover and given Ryan his deserved spotlight.

I suppose this could have happened for a number of reasons…among them, perhaps, that they didn’t want to give the title to two “Ryans” in a row (if you recall, Ryan Reynolds won last year.) Anyway, Mr. Cooper, I know that you and Ryan are co-starring in the upcoming The Place Beyond the Pines. Hopefully there are no hard feelings…but I think we all know Ryan was robbed.

Respectfully yours,

Linda

 

An open letter to an inanimate object – #1

Dear Automatic Flush Toilet in the first stall of the bathroom in my workplace,

If you flush before I’m ready one more time, I swear to god I will bring a hammer to work and smash you into so many pieces, they’ll have to carry what’s left of you out in a dustpan.

Sincerely,

Linda

An open letter to Brad Pitt – Re: Retirement Plans

Dear Mr. Pitt,

It has recently come to my attention that you plan on retiring from acting at age 50 in order to focus on more behind-the-camera work.

My question is this. Do you realize that you’ll be 50 in two years?! That’s just much too soon!

You were my very first celebrity obsession. I was 14. I watched “Legends of the Fall” for extra credit in History. And I became hooked on your character, Tristan.

Simply irresistable.

I’ve been in love with you ever since. (If our 27 year age gap doesn’t matter to you, then it doesn’t matter to me. Also, I think your children are beautiful and I’d gladly raise them with you.)

But this is about more than just me. This is about America. You’re an American icon, you can’t just disappear from our movie screens. I realize you’re getting older, but let’s face it, you’re aging really damn well. You could totally be Robert Redford’s secret love child. Please let us gaze upon you for a little while longer.

Did you know that I made myself a list of every movie you’ve ever made? I’m six films away from seeing them all. Thing is, I don’t want you to let me catch up. I don’t want to finish the list.

In closing, I beg you to reconsider. Don’t leave us like this, Brad.

Forever yours,

Linda

An open letter to the cast of The Hunger Games

To all you beautiful people (especially Lenny Kravitz–I saw you as Cinna there, Lenny Kravitz! Hayyy!),

I’m having a difficult time expressing how excited I am to see this movie. I read the first book in one sitting two summers ago, so believe me when I say that I’m a fan.

Here are my two concerns:

1. The acting. It’s difficult to tell from the trailer, but I’m really hoping you guys don’t let me down here. Jennifer Lawrence, you get to have “Oscar-nominated” as a prefix now, don’t you? I suppose that’s a promising sign. But what about you, Josh Hutcherson? I know you were in The Kids Are All Right, but I don’t think I ever really got past the fact that you were in Bridge to Terabithia (one of the few books I hated as a child…)

2. The rating. Yes, I realize the books themselves are YA fiction, but there are some seriously heavy issues in there. And violence. Aaand while the romance scenes were a little glossed over, I wouldn’t say no to a make-out scene or two. You know. Anyway, I just want to make sure you aren’t planning on watering this movie down just for the sake of making an extra buck from the PG audience.

Let me reiterate how pumped I am for this though. Maybe I’ll finally have found something to fill the gaping void left in my soul by the end of Harry Potter!

Fondly,

Linda

What’s going on here?!

Yeah, I realize that I’ve changed/am changing everything. Relax. I think it’s for the better.

Please just bear with me as I deconstruct then reconstruct.

Also, I know I haven’t actually started posting in all open letter format. Give me a second, okay? I promise good things are to come!

Eddie Murphy makes the worst decision of his life

Yes, even taking “Meet Dave” into account.

Eddie Murphy, who was supposed to host the 84th Academy Awards this year, aka was supposed to breathe some life back into his dead-fish career this year, has resigned from the position. This followed the departure of his good friend and business partner, Brett Ratner, as producer amid controversy of Ratner’s use of the “fags” during an interview with Howard Stern.

Dear Mr. Murphy,

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Look, I understand that staying on seems awkward when your buddy has to go, but let’s face it. Brett Ratner was in the wrong. He made a mistake, and it cost him the Oscars. But here’s the important thing: he’s already issued an apology. He’s openly working on a mediation with GLAAD. And, he’s still a very successful movie producer. What I’m trying to say is, Brett Ratner will bounce back.

But what about you? The Oscars would have been a great opportunity to remind America that, oh yeah, you are pretty funny, maybe we should go see your new movie, Tower Heist with Ben Stiller (even though the trailer, and you know how I judge trailers, looks like crap.) What are you going to do now? Make Norbit 2?

Oh god, please don't do it.

I’m just not sure you realize that your prospects from here are somewhat slim. They’ve gotta stop making Shrek movies at some point, right? Then what are you going to do?

Insert “Baby” Joke Here

I’ve let this one go long enough without talking about it. Y’all know what it is.

Justin Bieber’s baby mama drama.

In case you’ve been walking around with your eyes closed and your ears plugged, 20 year old Mariah Yeater (shown above with 3 month old son Trystyn) is claiming that 17 year old Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. She says she has proof, he’s agreed to a paternity test and plans on suing her ass off as soon as the results come back that the baby isn’t his.

Because let’s get real. Girl’s crazy. If you were going to accuse a celebrity of being your baby daddy, would you accuse Justin Bieber? No! Who’s going to believe you? He’s so baby-faced himself, it’s hard to believe he’s capable.

My housemate had some interesting insight to offer. This is a lose-lose situation for Mariah. If her son ends up being Bieber’s, she’s going to be charged with statutory rape (he was 16 and she was 19 when the whole thing went down, the rape charges are already being looked into). On the other hand, if her son ends up not being Bieber’s, she gets sued and potentially loses everything. Why did she think this was a good idea again? Especially because I’m sure there are women out there being paid LOTS of money to keep their mouths shut about their celebrity-fathered children; the fact that she didn’t approach him privately first is suspicious.

In other news, lately it seems that being named Mariah automatically implies insanity. Just take a look at the website that Mariah Carey and her (real) baby daddy Nick Cannon set up for their babies. Excuse me. DEM babies. Looks like we’re starting the exploitation real early.

When Breaking Dawn (the book) was released, or: Fixing Dawn

In the summer of 2008, I finished reading the last book of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn.

Then I immediately wrote a 3-pg hate mail letter to Stephenie Meyer. I’m posting it here for your reading pleasure. Continue to Hate Letter

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce – Shocking!

I simply cannot BELIEVE that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting divorced after only 72 days. I am just APPALLED.

Seriously though, he's a giant. Wtf is up with his hand being twice the size of her face?

It’s not like the Kardashians are known to try anything once for the attention. I’m sure they believe in the sanctity of marriage as a holy institution that is so sacred, it needs to be protected from the gays.

It’s not like Kim has the money to throw around planning a $10 million wedding if it wasn’t for forever. What’s more, it’s not like Kim made back the $10 million (at least) by televising her wedding or anything.

It’s not like Kris Humphries isn’t well-known for playing basketball. I’m sure lots of people knew who he was before he proposed to Kim Kardashian, and I’m sure he’s not looking for any extra attention, really.

I’m just so SURE that they were really in love, and that they TRULY enjoyed each other’s company, and that their PR people had NOTHING to do with their quickie REAL LIFE marriage.

C’moooonnnn, guys.

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